Adoption is a beautiful way for a couple to ful? l their emotional need to become parents. But, even here, prejudices and myths can hamper your determination to give a happy home to an innocent life.
M&B got clinical psychologist Dr Seema Hingorrany to help you tackle these issues head-on…
CHALLENGES
As a country with a population of over a billion people, it’s natural to assume we are a nation pro-birth! We still have a long way to go when it comes to providing a safe ma-ternal and neonatal healthcare system at the grassroot level, but the desire to have children is so much greater than the socio-economic situation, that women will go to great lengths to secure their maternal instincts. Yearly, couples spent an obscene amount of money on infertility treatments to achieve a preg-nancy and while some may be blessed with a baby, there are some who are left empty and depressed.
So why not consider something as simple as adoption? Via marital therapy, Dr Hingorrany has been treating couples who want to adopt but face opposition at home. “The couples go through an emotional crisis. They fear that the child they adopt may carry some genetic disorder passed on by his biological parents. They also have psychological fears mixed with beliefs that have been passed on by their parents. Often, the elderly will warn the couple that they may not be able to love the adopted child as much as they would have loved their biological child. They coax the couple to keep trying to achieve a pregnancy. At times, they will tell the couple that they will not be able to establish an emotional bond with the adopted child. As a doctor, I know that emotional bonding begins while the baby is in the womb. But, it is not mandatory for a woman to carry a baby for nine months to feel an emotional connec-tion! Couples who adopt will have to make an extra effort but, in the end, they can establish a beautiful bond with the baby,” af? rms Dr Hingorrany.
In reality, she says that in India, adoption is not embraced with open arms. “We still see it as a taboo. Many a times, the older generation is not very accepting towards the concept. While the couple is considering the option, the grandparents create an emo-tional upheaval. They keep negating the idea without stopping to think about the emo-tional trauma of the couple who is unable to conceive a child on their own. Fears are in the subconscious mind. In some cases, the couple is anxious to adopt but when the baby is brought home, the spouse may hesitate to accept the baby wholeheartedly. Couples also complain that in India, adoption is a daunting process, dealing with legalities and often one of them loses interest. Some are eager to bring the baby home but have to wait due to the tedious process accompanied by frequent visits to the adoption centre,” she says.
Hingorrany cites a case where a couple initially was in agreement for adoption but as the process began, the husband became withdrawn. “The woman was going through depression as she was unable to conceive. To add to this, her husband who was initially supportive of adoption began to take a back-seat. He was not keen to adopt and became less proactive in the process. This led to mari-tal tension between the two. Often, couples face such problems when one of the spouses discourages the other. When they would visit the adoption centre to choose an infant, the husband realised that this was not something he wanted to do. He would say that the physical attributes of the babies didn’t match him or the wife. He would draw comparisons to the skin colour and features. Couples feel guilty when they do this because on one hand they want to be parents and, on the other hand, they carry stereotypes. Then, there is also dealing with other family members who are against adoption. In another instance, there was a girl who had stopped talking to her mother because the mother was against adoption. She kept telling the daughter to consider surrogacy. She suggested that the girl’s sister could carry the pregnancy so that that way, the child would be ‘of their blood’. Worse, she even warned that if her daughter went ahead with the adoption, she would not be a part of the baby’s life!” exclaims Dr Hingorrany.
OVERCOMING PREJUDICES
Whatever your background may be, you can still overcome these challenges. Hingorrany suggests counselling, through which all fears can be laid to rest. “Adoption agencies have counsellors who will take you through the entire process and provide assistance every step of the way.
Approaching the right adoption agency will ensure that you will bring home a healthy baby. What I do is initiate the couple into talk therapy. They need someone to listen to them without passing judgement. I prepare them to understand why they need to have a baby, how a baby completes the family and why the baby doesn’t necessarily need to be their own,” she says.
Cognitive therapy is also an option which deals with false irrational beliefs such as – ‘I’ll not be a good mother’, ‘I’m not the biological mother so I can’t give my best to the child’ or ‘The child will bring changes in my relationship with my spouse.’ “In some cases, family therapy may be required wherein the family members are counselled to help them understand the psychological impact of not having a child and to make them realise that physical attributes don’t matter,” she adds.
American actress Katherine Heigl, who has ad-opted two daughters, admitted that her con-nection to her ? rst daughter was not strong at ? rst. She was quoted saying that initially, because of the rejection, she blamed herself for the lack of connection but seeing her hus-band and the child get along well, Katherine decided to give it time. And eventually, the mother and daughter were able to form a tight bond! Even actress Sushmita Sen has set a ? ne example, being a single woman and adopting two daughters, Renée and Alisah. M&B
THINGS YOU SHOULD KEEP IN MIND BEFORE ADOPTION
• You should be emotionally strong
• You or your spouse should not be undergoing depression or anxiety
• You must work as a team. Both partners must be proactive.
• Communicate. Talk openly about the fears you have and differentiate between myth and reality.
• Don’t pay heed to physical attributes. Ensure that the baby is healthy.
• Once you are established as the legal parent, the baby is yours and you are responsible for her.
• You can have an emotional connection to the baby. Work towards bonding.
• Visit a counsellor if you have any doubts about adoption. This ensures that you not only give the baby a healthy emotional life but also yourself.
• You can provide a baby with a home, good education and lifetime of security and love.
• You should have a steady income to provide fi nancial security for the child.
• You should be able to provide a secure environment for the child.
• You should not have any major illness.
Words Poornima Nair Iyer
Illustrations Ajay Paradkar
Have been meaning to adopt, but don’t know how to go about it? Here’s M&B’s ready reckoner… Parenting is such a personal decision.
That emotionally charged, momentous day when we ? rst saw baby Kay, all our doubts were absolutely laid to rest. My husband is strongly of the opinion and I do agree that Kay chose us rather than the other way around! It was love at ? rst sight and we just knew that she was the one. She was just short of three months old then and she was smiling broadly, dimples on show, with her tongue sticking out for good measure, when she was brought in. The thought going through my mind was how uncanny the resemblance was to a photograph of mine at about the same age, which was dis-played on my aunt’s of? ce desk as far back as I could remember, and yet all the social workers and minders felt she resembled my husband. (Even today, it’s incredible how much we see ourselves as well as close family members in her; both in terms of looks and more so in mannerisms). All my sleepless nights of the previous weeks, imagining if and how we would be able to accept and choose, if I would be able to cope, if I would make a good mother, etc, just weren’t issues any more. All it came down to was how soon could we take her home and make her ours. This was on a Tuesday morning and, initially, we were informed that we would be in a position to take her home in a week. However, the agency managed to fast-track our paper-work and, much to our delight and in a total state of unpreparedness, (until we saw her we were not very sure of her age or gender – having opted for a child of either gender and one until a year of age) we had our bundle of joy with us on the very next Thursday, her third month birthday. By the weekend, it was dif? cult to envisage a time when she was not a part of our lives!
How many times has your mum said that to you before you entered the domain of motherhood?
“Our parents were over-protective. In today’s world, protecting your kids beyond a limit just won’t help. They ought to be independent from an early age. So, we encourage them to be so. In fact, we just encourage our kids to be strong and let them fend for themselves. We also involve them in our day-to-day activities, taking them shopping, involving them in purchase decisions and asking for their views on various things. We make them feel important in almost every decision taken in the family – whether it is on purchases of gadgets or at the supermarket, what cuisine to eat at family dinners, or which movie to watch on a weekend. Also, as kids, the things we desired were given to us on a platter.
“My youngest memory of going shopping with my mother lands me to the grocery store. I would be asked to sit in a comfortable corner with a chocolate or a book in hand while mum made the purchase. I was clueless about the range of products that the shop could store; leave alone choosing. Now, after two decades, my shopping experience with my child is more of an achievement than a regular drill. I ask her at every section what she would like and she has a very clear idea of that! Besides, I remember a regular weekend being spent the way my parents planned it. But now, I spend my weekend ensuring that my child is as well entertained as I am. So, before I catch a movie, I make it a point to let her be at the swimming pool or enjoy a toy-train ride, so that we go back home a happy family, rather than with a grumpy child. Another instance that comes to mind is my school days when my mother used to run around the house making breakfast, cajoling me to get ready and I was reluctant to compromise on my snooze time. So, for every two minutes extra that I slept, I got a scolding or was threatened that I won’t be sent to school ever again! But today, the mornings in my house are very different. Instead of a daily fight and run for time, I tell my daughter, ‘If you get up on time, you will be able to watch your favourite rhymes on TV while eating breakfast. If you don’t, you’ll will miss both the rhymes as well as the breakfast. I also involve Kashvi in my cooking. I ask her to fetch me the bread, bring me the spread that she wants in her sandwich. This speeds up my chores and makes her feel important.”
“My parents taught me a lot and for the most part, I feel like I was raised right. I am sure I won’t do everything in the same way as them, but I believe that my goal is to try and raise my kids naturally, so they have a better life that even I did. I look at it as an opportunity to play, to love someone new, to appreciate the magic of a developing mind, and to be needed by someone again. My husband and I have a little monster named Vyom. He is three years old now. Every since his birth, we have been pondering over the struggles that we would face as our young, little man begins to walk and get out of the house and explore this world. I am not simply speaking of the skinned knees and possibility of broken bones or God forbid, a broken heart, when he gets older. I am talking about whether or not we are capable of shielding him from the evils of this world just long enough to allow him to grow up to be a good man. I feel there is much more information now than my parents had when they were raising their children. What we do a bit different than our parents is that we help Vyom sink in activities and conduct that takes his time off from getting exposed to too many things at a young age. First, we get all kinds of books for Vyom and stock them within his reach. I think parents should arrange to have third parties teach their kids as much as possible. Books are excellent third party resources; kids can learn when they have free time and feel interested. Each book has unique examples from which they will learn a lot. Second, we take special trips as much as possible. Whether it’s a walk to the nearby post office, garage, market or temple, a day trip to a park or beach, a weekend in a nearby city, or a week-long vacation abroad, Vyom always remembers the special journey. I think all generations think they could do things better. So, I keep praying and I keep hoping in the end that I end up with a young man that I can love, trust, and more importantly, respect. I don’t pretend to be a perfect mother, nor do I pretend to have a perfect son. But isn’t that the way it should be? Jeesh, parenting is hard! But the mantra is to take it as naturally as it is gifted.”
I think the entire concept of parenting has changed today from what it was some four or five decades ago, during the time of our parents. To start with, I was brought up in a family of five siblings with two older twin sisters, one younger sister and one younger brother. This may give you a fair idea of how difficult it was for our parents to raise us and give us the best. Nevertheless, they succeeded, as all of us have grown up to be successful individuals in our own right. I was blessed with a baby boy in May 2011 and came back to India for the support that I needed to bring up my kid. And guess what, I realised from Day One what a hell of a task it was! I looked forward to giving him all the comfort and luxury that I could afford to make my parenting experience smooth and his life better. For instance, I invested in the best stroller in Canada, whereas a stroller was unheard of during our days as our parents believed in carrying us on their laps from place to place. But Yash enjoys the stroller rides in the evening and we do not miss a chance to carry him on our lap when there is need to. Talking of toys, I had bought a host of toys for him from Babies R Us before leaving Canada – the jazzy ones with lights and sounds! Of course we had toys as children but in a family of five kids, we shared common toys and never made a fuss about it. Today, forget about having common toys, Yash will not look at a toy with which he is done with. If I take him to a shop, I buy him the toy or the toffee he asks for even if I know it’s just a tantrum that he is throwing. Back in our days, we were never encouraged to throw tantrums. It was made clear that whatever we need is there for us at home and whatever is needed will come to us in due time. This discipline is something parents these days (including myself) fail to instill in children. Things are available to us easily and with fewer kids, we can afford them. Even though there were no fancy baby foods doing the rounds, we ate a balanced diet when we were younger. But I have a variety to appeal to my son’s taste. I used to feed him low-fat cheese to up his calcium intake when I started weaning, as he was off dairy milk. I had scoops of baby food which read ‘multi-grain’ on the label, added to the regular atta to make dough for Yash. There is a lot of food such as Cheeselings, cheese spread, biscuits and chocolates stuffed in the fridge to make him snack-happy. These have become a regular in our kirana list, but were considered a luxury during our time. Yet, even though I would like to claim that I am a different parent from my own parents, I will leave India with traces of my family’s upbringing in him, that would help Yash become a better individual.
“I have always felt that I have the ideal parents and I want to impart the same values to my child as they did unto me. I would confidently call myself a ‘successful’ parent if I am able to reproduce even part of their parenthood. Yet, I am not exactly following their path to reach the destination of ideal parenthood. I have taken a few divergences from their route. And I began from the beginning. A mother’s joy begins when new life is stirring inside… when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone. Parenting begins from the instant you realise that you are carrying a life. I understood that I could ensure my child’s well-being for a lifetime. A balanced diet and a healthy mind along with suitable exercises are the gifts that I endowed upon my child. Another thing that I did differently was to adhere to the theory that raising a child is like creating pottery. You can mould the clay in any beautiful form and adorn it in the style that you like. I completely believe that it is possible to develop every aspect in a child provided you let go of structured teaching and adopt free learning. I did just that and for that, regularly spend quality time with my child. As opposed to my own upbringing, I have exposed my child to all alternatives, keeping aside my own biases and prejudices. I believe children can think logically and make their own decisions. We must respect their requirements and choices and not treat them as childish wants. At times of disagreement, I believe in explaining rather than using parental power. Children are extremely sensitive and can sense the slightest anxiety or tiff between parents. The impact of day-to-day arguments on a child’s development is sometimes under-estimated. I make sure that I firmly avoid arguments with my spouse especially, while Vida is around.”